(Note: This story is still a work in progress and will be updated whenever I have the time to update it because I actually have a life and need to do stuff, like participate in school. Keep in mind that sometimes the story won't be updated in a while because the other author and I haven't written anything in a while. Anyways, the light gray arial text is the other author while I am still the Times New Roman grey text. Yeah. Well, I hope you enjoy this wonderfully horrible piece of literature.)
1
Bob was walking, he was walking towards the light. He tripped on the way and gained a power-up. It flashed before his eyes, it was super pixelated “+1 Life”. Bob cursed. He awoke to find himself in the street in front of his apartment. He started to scream with joy, then he got hit by a car (again). He was back at the tunnel now. “Oh no,” Bob walked and walked and saw Santa! Wait, that wasn’t Santa! It was just a large man in a red suit. Bob kept walking towards the light and past Santa. The light started to get really close all of a sudden, it was a train. Bob died. Then he remembered that he was already dead, and he found himself at the gates of “Bov Heaben”. “Who is this Bov Heaben?” Bob wondered, he looked past the gate at the broken down shack. It had a sign on it that said “Jil Hemm “. Bob was dyslexic, severely so.
2
John was admiring the cat next door, Jules, and his “Jufro”. Meanwhile, Jules was admiring Jim and his luscious backwards mohawk. Jim was eating people, he was saving them from Hipstervitus (And also the tyrannosaurus rex that was running down the street). Jules found this crazy heroic. Meanwhile, John was thinking about things relating to the cat next door. Jim ate the t-rex (it was a zombie t-rex). John tried to read Jules mind. “▄▄▄▄” Said John. Jules’ mind was hot too. John had to compose himself because there was just too much hotness. Jules looked out the other window, John was staring at him. Jules would totally date John if John wasn’t not gay. John saw Jules staring at him, and quickly disappeared into the bushes.”Silly John.” Jules said. Maybe he should tell Jim to take John to a therapist to help John with his window obsession. That was another reason why Jules wouldn’t date John, because John was insane missing a few marbles. Or all of his marbles.
3
Bob decided that Bov Heaben was overrated and left. He went to Jil Hemm instead, maybe there was candy and pretty lady-dogs in there? Bob quickly discovered that there wasn’t candy and pretty lady-dogs in Jil Hemm. Instead, there was ice-cream and hot lady-dogs. The sound of Metallica filled the room, it was far louder and far more comforting than Bobette’s screaming. Bob was eating ice-cream and hitting on hot lady-dogs (Bob is such a player). He was also drinking old pomegranate juice. Which was very fun tasting. Then Bob blacked out, he awoke in a tub of ice with a scar on his waist. Both of his kidneys were gone. “Oh no, my kidneys.” Bob said and kind of fell out of the tub. It didn’t really matter to Bob anyways, he didn’t need kidneys because he was dead. He lunged at the door, it opened before he hit it. Bob was falling, and it was dark. Very dark. Indeed. Bob was still falling, just falling, and falling, and falling. And then he hit the ground and exploded. He was back in Jil Hemm, and his guts splattered on the hot lady-dogs. They loved it. They showed their love for it by convulsing on the ground and screaming. And then they exploded to. Bob popped back into existence, then he was promptly eaten (By a raging homosexual zombie t-rex). Bob was in the stomach, there were hipsters in there too. Bob dug his way out so he wouldn’t get Hipstervitus. He got out, from where I shall not mention. “I was climbing out of raging homosexual zombie t-rexes before it was cool.” Bob said. He had contracted Hipstervitus. Bob walked away ironically. He walked to his favorite hipster cafe. It was called “Reali Tea”. They did not serve tea there though. Instead they served that insanely overpriced instant coffee made from elephant dung that nobody actually likes.
“Whoa” Bob said ironically, in his newly acquired scarf that he totally didn’t mug another hipster for. He swished it because it was swishy. He chugged down his elephant dung coffee. It tasted horrible, but he drank it all anyways. Suddenly, Bob grew a magnificent beard. Then suddenly Bob saw something so mainstream that it cured him. Bob stumbled out of Reali tea without leaving a tip. Reali Tea dissolved back into Jil Hemm, so did Bob’s beard. But he kept the scarf because it actually looked really good on him. Bob was bored, the ice-cream and hot lady-dogs had disappeared and everything was burning. So Bob decided to walk through the field of laughably true signs that were meant to be insults. “Vacuums suck!” “Homosexuals are gay!” “Freezers are just cold.”
4
John was no longer in the bushes, he was now making children into orphans. Mmm, nothing beats the occurrence of mothers dying during childbirth while the father suffered from a heart-attack. John was truly not a very good doctor, but he really enjoyed it. In fact, he never really understood why people say that brain surgery is difficult, I mean, you just kind of have to take a knife and stab it in, right? And then BAM! they’re dead. And for things like heart surgery, you don’t even need a knife! Just reach in and pull out the heart. Easy Peasy. If only seducing Jules was as easy as heart surgery.
Speaking of which, Jules had spoken to him today. Something about windows and a therapist. John had been too distracted by Jules beautiful eyes to listen, however. They were a deep red violet, just like deoxygenated blood. That was super hot, John really likes Jules.
( ͡~ ͜ʖ ͡°) John then realized what Jules had said. “He thinks I have a window obsession!” John blushed.
5
Bob did too, maybe because he was drinking pomegranate wine again. “Oh well” Bob said (for some unknown reason) and flirted with the lady hot-dogs. The lady hot-dogs were very flattered and showed this by convulsing and foaming (where?), which reminded Bob too much of Bobette. So, he put them out of their misery by giving them “medicine”. They then fell into a coma-like death. He did not plan on kissing them. Bob kept walking in hopes of finding more fruit-based beverages. Then Bob blacked out (Again? Seriously?). He awoke to find himself in the gutter of Hemm. He started screaming because he was naked (besides his scarf). Then he remembered that he had always been naked… ALWAYS. He started screaming again, he screamed a lot. He screamed so much that he attracted the attention of the biggest lady hot-dog (she really liked screaming). She wagged a meaty eyebrow at him, then Bob screamed even louder because the lady hot-dog was naked (underneath her meaty skin). EVERYONE WAS! ALWAYS!
6
John was naked, Jules was naked too, John knew. (They’re cats.) Jules was taking a bath, a hot, steamy, bath. Literally. It was so steamy that John couldn’t look through the windows. This made John sad. And then, a cloth bag was pulled over John’s head.
Jim had kidnapped John, for ‘reasons’. “You need to get over your window obsession,” Jim said. “Jules told me all about it!” Jim continued. John facepalmed (－‸ლ). “I’m not window obsessing, I’m just stalking him!” This was worse than Jim had thought. “He is insane.” Jim thought, remembering back to what Jules had nervously stuttered through the phone. “John, windows are not people.” Jim said, raising a gigantic eyebrow at him.
*Flashback to Bob*
Bob was screaming, the meaty eyebrow of the lady hot-dog was slowly getting closer… closer… CLOSER! It was like the hot-dog had a hot-dog on her face!
*Flashback ends*
John was very frustrated, like, seriously Jim. It’s not that hard to understand.
“Do I need to murder our family just to get it through your thick skull that I do not have a window obsession?! Seriously?” John raged. “I’m just stalking our next door neighbor, Jules! Because I totally have a homoshmexual crush on him, geez!” John said, his voice lowered fifty pitches and he was covered with BLUE SATANIC FIRE. “I already killed our family.” Jim said, unphased. “They were dying of stupidity so I put them out of their misery.”
“O” John said. “That’s really jerkish, taking that opportunity away from me.” John said, quickly recovering (from the fact that, “Oh right, my family has been dead for a couple months now.”) , “I’m going to go murder someone else’s family!” John said and then promptly left.
He went to murder the family of some random Bob that he didn’t know yet. John started to cry because they were also dead, and Bob was to (presumably). “Ugh!” John said, he was still crying. “UUUGGHH!” “Why is it so hard to find somebody’s family to murder?!?!” (First world serial killer problems) .
John decided to go after the family of the raging homosexual zombie t-rex (Rahztor).
John started crying because its family, along with the rest of its species, was already extinct (Darn you mother nature, ruining all of John’s fun).
7
Bob was dead. Super dead. Meat Eye Brows (that was the name of the giant Lady Hot-Dog) was being really super scary. It’s head had just barely exploded, and something was crawling out of the hole where its skull used to be. It was… (DRAMATIC PAUSE) BOBETTE! She was frothing at the mouth and blood poured out of her empty eye sockets. “HELLO, BOB.” Bobette said, her voice as deep as the Earth’s core. “Bobette?” Bob asked. “NO BOB, I AM LUCIFER.”
“Thank goodness!” Bob said, relieved. Anyone and anything was better than seeing his wife again. “I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN LUCIFER, BUT ON EARTH I DISGUISED MYSELF AS YOUR WIFE. YOU’RE MARRIED TO LUCIFER, BOB. AREN’T YOU GLAD?” Lucifer said. He then started to writhe and foam to prove his statement. Bob started to scream, pony birds lept out of his mouth. The pony birds lifted Bob up into the air, and then suddenly, Bob awoke.
Bob was on acid. He satup, he was sitting on a filthy blood and urine stained mattress. It was also stained with an odd, white, crusty li-”AHHH NO! NO! NO, NO, NO!” Bob screamed, nearly throwing himself off of the mattress. “Chill, duude.” An eyeless poodle that had been laying next to him said. “It’s just mayo.” Bob looked at the poodle dubiously, he did not trust the eyeless fellow that had been on the same filthy mattress as him. Bob brushed “mayo” off of his fur. Bob left the concrete building that smelled of homeless people and was promptly arrested by the police, probably because a large bag full of white powder was duct-taped to his side.
Suddenly, the police turned into reindeer and flew off. Bob was tripping hard. Bob opened the zip-lock bag full of white powder and sniffed it. It was powdered sugar.
8
Jim was inside his house, Rahztor knew. Rahztor crouched down so it could look through the window at the sexy cat that was inside of the house. Rahztor stomped around to the front of the house and smashed the doorbell with one of its meat stumps. Jim heard the crunching of the doorbell, and opened the door. Rahztor flopped its meat stumps around when the shmexilicious cat opened the door. Jim looked at Rahztor “What?” Jim said and Rahztor was like “Hey” but it came out more like “Sdskhsejs Arrgs” and Jim said “I’m not buying anything.” and closed the door. Rahztor cried a little, the crushed roses and partially eaten box of chocolates that had been impairing its speech fell out of its mouth and onto the porch of the hot cat’s house. It was Valentines Day and Rahztor was all alone… So alone… Alone, always alone. Rahztor took his anger and sorrows out on a hospital full of children. He felt a lot better afterwards, so he was ready to try again.
When Rahztor returned, the chOCOLATES AND THE ROSES WERE ON FIRE SO RAHZTOR CRIED. His affections were not returned and this made him very angry. So Rahztor visited his parents’ grave at the museum and totally demolished the other dinosaur graves. Rahztor just does what he wants, and what he wants is his parents' approval. However, his parents do not approve of his zombieness. Or his homosexualness, poor Rahztor. His life was a series of unfortunate events, like the book series, but different, because he's a raging homosexual zombie tyrannosaurus rex. Did it even count as his life anymore, since he was dead and all? Rahztor cried because he didn't have a life, probably because he was a zombie. (Duck butts).
9
Jules looked out the window, there was a box of crushed chocolates and partially eaten roses on the porch of Jim's house. For some reason they were on fire. Wait a second, was Jim dating a phoenix?! That would be extremely disappointing, Jules had been in a few relationships with phoenixes before, and they were hot douche bags. They always lit all of your possessions on fire, and if you tried to do anything with them they would also lite you on fire. Probably because they're hot. Literally. Oh so very hot, but they just seem to burn your house down and nothing else, they don't even apologize for their rudeness. And then they also do that thing when they turn into dust and get all over your house, they don't even ask. Do you know how hard it is to explain to somebody that is trying to buy your house that, oh yeah, "My hot boyfriend died in here". I guess some people don't want to buy a house that has a body count on it. Like, seriously, nobody should even own a house that two phoenixes, a fish, three horses, a pegasus, and two dogs died in... Poor, poor Mr. Bubbles...
That was the name of the second horse, yet another reason why humans are the most hated species.
However, just like girls go through a lesbian phase, Jules went through a human phase, all ten of them were buried in his backyard. It turns out that one of the sharks he dated got jealous and phoned a hit-man. It was very sad when the hit-man killed them, Jules had cried.
Jules looked out his Jim-viewing window, Jim had opened the door. Jim was wearing his boxers with a shirt on that had a very strange design. Jules did not know what it was. Jim stared at the flaming gifts for a second before whipping out his hot pink flip-phone. Jim snapped a picture of the presents and then typed on his phone for a bit before going back inside.
A few seconds later, Jules qPhone buzzed. Jules looked at his qPhone, he had a new message from Jim.
lol ;)
Jules stared at his qPhone, a couple seconds later, Jim sent a picture of the blazing gifts. Jules had no idea how to read into this.. He did however, notice that John was back at one of his favorite windows. John looked kind of out of it, so he went over to the window and kissed it because that always seemed to cheer John up for some reason. John started to aggressively lick the window. "Silly, silly, silly John. Silly, silly, silly, insane John." Jules said and then went to go grab his pepper spray just in case John decided to smash through the window again. You'd think that he wouldn't want to smash something that he loved so much. John then started to slam his body against the window, he was holding Mr. Bubbles' head. Jules started to scream. "Good thing I have bullet proof windows now." Jules thought as he screamed. Jules felt that maybe his window kissing might have played into this happening, especially since the first time John crashed through the window Jules had kissed it first. Come to think of it, he had also kissed the window on the second, third, fourth, and twenty-fifth times as well. Jules looked at Mr. Bubbles. Mr. Bubbles had just barely died a week ago and froth still clung to his decaying lips. His lifeless eyes were empty and as blue as grapes. Jules decided that now would be as good a time as any to return Jim's text with a picture of his own. He took a picture of John's body pressed up against the window and sent it with the words
Help me ;(
underneath.
lmfao, k ;3
Jim replied. A second or so later, a mostly orange blur sent John flying off the window. JULES STARTED SCREAMING REALLY LOUD BECAUSE THERE WAS BLOOD EVERYWHERE. Wait, it was just jam... Jules retracted his former statement and began to scream even louder because THERE WAS JAM EVERYWHERE. DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO CLEAN JAM OFF OF EVERYTHING?!
"Wat?" Jim and John said in perfect unison, more jam splattered. Jules screamed and ran outside in his underwear, he wipped his wand out of his socks (he was wearing two on one foot) and yelled "AVADA KEDAVRU" and Rahztor jumped in front of Jim and John, good thing he was already dead, since Rahztor was a zombie and all. Rahztor started to turn into a handsome young dork weeaboo man because it turned out that it was actually a transformation spell and not a death spell! When the transformation finished Rahztor screamed "Kawaii!" and flew off. Everyone fell in love with him, besides John, Jules, Jim, and everybody else that ever saw him. The jealous gay hipster shark that was hiding in the bushes fell in love with him, however. It made shark noises and sprouted wings out of its buttocks and took flight after its beloved.
Nobody seemed to notice the dead child laying in the middle of the street that had been crushed by Rahztor when he had protected Jim and John...
Suddenly! a small kitten drifted down from a sky, it was using an umbrella as a parachute. "YO" The cat said as she landed in front of the male cat human people. "I'm Mary freakin' Poopins, watsup my homos." Jim was impressed, but it did not show on his face. Or anywhere for that matter. That was a lie, Jim was not impressed. Then suddenly, Jim remembered. "HOLY CHEESE." Jim shouted. "It's Matt!"
"Holy cheese-itz! You're a pedophile?!" John said, totally not understanding the situation at all. Freakin' John. "You're a pedophile?!?!" Jules screamed and waved his wand around. Jim face-palmed. "No, Matt was my apprentice. But then I ate Matt." Jim said, and then turned to face Matt. "WHY AREN'T YOU A DEAD BODY DRIFTING THROUGH SPACE RIGHT NOW? YOU ARE RUINING THIS LEARNING ACTIVITY!" Jim roared. "Yo, my brotha. Just chill. Some hitch-hikers picked me up and guided me though the galaxy for a lil' bit before bringin' me back here, yo." Matt explained, making a peace sign with her paw finger hands.
"Was that a reference to Hi-" Jules started to say, but then Jim was all like "That wasn't the purpose of the activity! You were supposed to die!"
"That's not how I roll, yo." Matt said. "I roll like the waves, I just go where they take me, man." Matt said. "That's deep." Jules managed to say, although the last part of the "p" was cut off by Jim's screaming. "YOU'RE FREAKIN' EIGHT, HOW DID YOU EVEN SURVIVE IN SPACE YOU LITTLE BUTT?!" John was scooting closer to Jules, but Jules was being all frustrated and always scooted away. "I bought a telescope, I'm not guilty." Matt shrugged. "Is that a po-" Jules started, but didn't even bother finishing. John was angry that Jules wouldn't let John share his love, so John tackled Jules to the ground. Smoke erupted out of Jules' wand as he fell. Jules started to scream, but he soon decided that it wasn't worth it and instead he kind of just sat there with John on top of him. John was warm.
(Ship, Ship) John leaned over Jules a little bit more. Matt started to scream like a banshee and yelled "I SHIP THAT, YO." This did not improve Jim's mood. "Matt, we do not make people into boats." Jim said and then realized that he was still in his boxers with the hearts on them. Jim's hair seemed to redden a little. Matt realized how awkward this all was and decided to capture the moment with a photo. She took it using her fancy space phone. John then started to furiously snog Jules. Jules panicked and started to flail his arms around. He accidentally shot a spell at a pigeon that was just minding its own business. The pigeon became a dead pigeon.
Jim's backwards mohawk seemed to turn a bright red as he pried John off of Jules. He grabbed Matt and John by the scruffs of their cat people necks and dragged them into his and John's house. Jules was left behind in his front yard. Jules did not know how to feel about this. He decided that it would be a good thing to go inside and change into actual clothes... The neighbors were starting to stare at Jules bare man cat chest.
10
Bob's day had finally turned up. Carl was ready, Bob should be arriving any minute now to eat mayo sandwiches and watch chick flicks.
Bob was wandering around, unsure of what to do today. Maybe he could go see if his apartment still existed at this time. Or if it ever existed.
Bob decided to go to his apartment to check o Bobette. To his surprise, when he got there the complex was not there. In its place was a large hole that was about fifty yards in diameter. Bob could not see the bottom. Screaming that sounded awfully similar to Bobette's could be heard from the depths... Bob was scared.
He stared at the hole for a moment and wondered how many pillows he would have to stuff into the hole to deafen the dreadful racket. Bob looked to his side towards the gigantic pile of dirt that stood nearby the hole. He decided to fill the hole with the dirt instead, it wouldn't cost him any money, anyways. This took longer than expected. Bob didn't finish until the next day, and even then the screaming was still audible. If anything, it was louder. Bob laid down a layer of pillows on top of the soft dirt where the hole had once been. The din was muffled greatly. Bob stared off into space, he felt like he should be somewhere. He considered it for a little bit, but his brooding was paused by the feeling of a familiar presence nearby. He turned around...
It was Bobette.
"Hello, wife." Bob said nervously. Bobette looked unreasonably calm, and for once she was actually standing instead of lying on the ground and convulsing. There was froth around her mouth, but it was dry. Bobette waved at Bob and then turned about to go to her Insanity of the Month Coupon Club meeting. Bob decided that this was all very creepy and he probably didn't need sleep anyways.
So, Bob continued to wander. Eventually he decided that sleep was probably a good idea. He started his search for a motel with good locks and holy water in each room.
Carl started to cry because it was Wednesday and Bob was still absent.
Bob finally found a motel that met his standards. It also came with a free breakfast! Bob was fast asleep in his room now, his human disguise was lying on the floor. The disguise slowly rose from the floor and jumped out the window and into the night. Bob didn't notice, that's how intoxicated he was. Bob was still sound asleep.
11
Jim glared at Matt and John, he was very upset with them. John walked into the room, this was very confusing. Jim turned to look at the John sitting next to Matt. It was on fire. "1010101100101010101011001" It said.
It then started to beep loudly. Matt removed her space jacket and wrapped it around Johnbot's face, it ceased beeping. Matt then proceeded to beat it with a hammer. After fifty or so bludgeons Johnbot poofed, leaving nothing behind besides the clothes that it had been wearing. Matt put her jacket back on. "He's dead, Jim." She whispered. "Real" John then fell over because he didn't have legs. Jim gave an unimpressed glance towards Legless John. "Stop trying to attract attention to yourself." Jim scolded. Legless John looked up at Jim with a sad expression. Legless John then proceeded to melt into the floor. "2 spoopy 4 me." Matt said. Jim was getting really upset, there were far to many Johns and Jim needed to find the correct one to scold. Plus Matt wasn't even making correct references anymore, and Matt needed to be stopped. Like, where in space do you even learn these things?! Tumblr? Instagram?
Just then a hologram of John decided to drift down from the ceiling. It appeared to be lacking a face. It made wooshy noises and flew out the window. Jim started to scream in frustration, Matt popped a few pain killers into her mouth. Another John crawled from the lava pit that was in the living room. Jim was just about ready to burn the house down to save it from being overrun with Johns. Johns that lacked eyes started to crawl out of the cupboards and vents. They crab walked towards Jim and Matt. "Yo." Matt said while the eyeless crab Johns started to crawl over her and Jim. Jim continued to scream. It appeared that the Johns were heading towards the window. They quickly scurried across the street to Jules' house. Jules was watching from his window and did not look pleased. One might even say it was a face of pure terror. Jim ran after the crab Johns, taking them down as he went. Matt pulled a lawn chair and some popcorn out of her jacket. She set the lawn chair up on Jim's porch right next to the pile of ash. Matt sat down to enjoy the show. John walked out of the house in his boxers, he was drinking a soda. "What's going on?" He asked casually. Matt looked at him and motioned for him to sit in the other chair that just happened to be there for some reason. "Just watch." Matt said.
John sat down in his designated seat and sipped his soda. He had been in the basement for the past two years and had no idea what was going on. Where was Jimothy? Who is Abyssinian neighbor that lives across the street? He loudly sipped his soda for extra emphasis. "Do you have any sunscreen?" John asked. Being in the basement for two years tends to make one vary pale. Matt nodded and handed John a bottle of Super Nova Deflector 30. John inspected the label for a bit before rubbing the contents into his cat human man skin fur.
Jim was just on fire, literally, he was tackling the Johns down and lighting them ablaze. Jules was trying to escape through his back window. Eventually he just gave up and climbed through his chimney. It turned out that his windows were bullet proof and Jules proof. They were not, however, John proof. The Johns had shattered the windows and were raiding Jules' kitchen. Jules hoped that they would at least save him a beer. Jules looked down from his roof, the Johns were climbing up the walls after him. Matt was all like "Oh hot d*mn." and John was just getting even more confused. Why was there like, thirty of him? Why did they not have eyes? John was very confused. He scooted his chair a bit closer to Matt's chair and grabbed a fistful of Matt's popcorn. Matt violently reacted by grabbing John's wrist and flipping him onto the ground. John was really confused now and decided to walk away and never return for about an hour or so. Maybe he could get some vitamin D or whatever. Matt hugged her bag of space popcorn close to her and hissed as a confused John stumbled away. Jules looked down from his perch on the roof, wondering if the John that was stumbling off below would do the same thing that the Johnbot had...
Jim had killed the last of the Johns and Jules was trying to lower himself from the roof with little success. Matt was frustrated by this and ninja'd her way up to the roof and then threw Jules down into the bushes beneath his window. "Fatality!" Matt roared as Jules flailed into the bushes. Jules quickly leapt out of the bush because Mr. Bubbles' head was still in there. Matt laughed manically. Jules rubbed his head, he was starting to worry about the sanity of his neighbors, especially since Jim was just standing in the middle of Jules' yard, still on fire. Jim patted the fire that surrounded his shoulders and it kind of calmed down a bit. Upon closer inspection Jules realized that the fire was actually a swarm of orange butterflies. "Dang, that's so cool." Jules thought, looking at the butterflies. The butterflies looked at Jules as they were set on fire by Jim. They quickly perished. "O" Jules said. Jim grabbed Matt and walked back to the house, Matt fiercely clung to her futuristic popcorn. John had returned, he was walking in the middle of the street towards his house. His clothes were gone and he had a haunted look in his eyes. Jules watched as John walked directly into the open manhole and disappeared into its depths. Jules started to text Jim
your bro is naked in the sewer, thought you should know."
Jules did not hit send. Jim had a lot of stressful stuff happen to him today and Jules didn't want to stress him out anymore. "I'll tell him tomorrow." Jules concluded as he started to drag the crab John corpses that littered the lawn into the street. Jules started dumping them through the man hole so that John would have some company.
"Oh, hi John." Jules said, recognizing his "attacker's" voice as John's. "Sorry about that by the way." Jules said, motioning towards all of John's face. John was sobbing now, Jules helped him stand up and brought him inside of the house. "Wait here." Jules ordered, but John did not stay there and he ended up tripping and falling onto the ground. He curled into a fetal position and sobbed some more. A couple seconds later Jules returned with a wash cloth soaked in milk and gently pressed it against John's face. "Well at least you have clothes now." Jules said. John nodded, still sobbing in pain. "Well I guess I should ask why you came to my house rather than just going home." Jules said, padding John's face with the milk cloth. "Because the people in my house were sleeping, and last I checked, one of them flipped me over because I took a handful of popcorn from them." John said in between milk paps. "Dang, that's violent. Was it special heirloom popcorn or something?" Jules asked, continuing the milk paps. " Space popcorn.." John said wistfully. "Okay, that's totally worth flipping someone over for." Jules said, smiling. "Do you want to spend the night here?" Jules asked, glancing though the still open door at the dark house across the street. "Yeah, I don't think I would be able to make it back anyways. I might have impaled myself with the scalpel when I fell over." John said, looking down at the scalpel that was sticking out of his leg. "Holy crap!" Jules said, standing up. "You should have said that sooner!" Jules ran off into the house to look for his first aid kit. "Okay, I'm gonna need you to remove your pants." Jules said as he returned with a first aid kit. John blushed. "Aha, just kidding." Jules said, rolling up John's pant leg. John sighed, somewhat relieved. John did not steal any under wear from his crab clones because that would be gross and he did not want to look at whatever was underneath. Jules looked at the wound, "Welp, I know nothing about first aid." He sighed, "What about you?"
"Nope." John said. He was very good at taking people apart though, but he was not about to mention that to Jules. "Okay, I guess we'll have to use the other stuff then." Jules stood up and closed the door. He then proceeded to walk around the house and close all the curtains. He then wandered off somewhere to get something. "This is mildly concerning." John commented as Jules approached him with a large cloth sack. Jules reached in and threw a cloud of sparkling red dust at him, it made John sneeze. When the dust had finally cleared John's wound was gone along with the burning sensation from the pepper spray. "Holy crap, what was that stuff?" John asked. "My dead boyfriend." Jules replied. "Oh." John said. Well that was depressing. "He was a phoenix, jerk died in my house. He wasn't the only one either." Jules said.
"Oh, aren't phoenixes supposed to resurrect or something?" John asked, still soaking in the fact that he was now coated with dead people. "Meh, maybe. He was dead." Jules said, brushing some of the dust off of John's shoulders. John suddenly remembered that he was wearing his dead clone's burnt clothes all of a sudden. "Do you have any clothes that I could change into? I don't exactly enjoy wearing my dead clone's clothes." John said, looking down and poking at the scorched and blood-stained shirt that he was wearing. Jules eyes widened, "Oh gosh, I totally forgot that the clones were wearing that." Jules ran into another room and after a good deal of banging and crashing he came back out. He was holding a pair of boxers, a tank top, and three socks. "Uh, what's up with the socks?" John questioned. "One for one foot, two for the other." Jules responded as if it was completely normal. "Thanks, where's the bathroom?" After walking through the maze that is Jules' house, John discovered the bathroom that Jules had mentioned. John changed into the clothes that Jules had supplied and discovered that the shirt was a bit to large for him. He wasn't sure what to do with the third sock so he tucked it into the back of the boxers that he was wearing. John waddled out of the bathroom and wove throughout the house and back to the front room where Jules was waiting.
Jules was sitting on the couch when John walked in. "The shirt's kind of big." John said, adjusting the front of the tank top. Jules blushed and nodded, "Sorry, its the best I could do."
"It probably would've fit just fine a couple years ago." John said, "I lost a lot of weight when I hid in the basement for two years." John added. Jules was very worried now, John had just barely started window obsessing last year. That would, however, explain why John looked like a vampire. "No homo, right?" John said uneasily. Jules shook his head "No," he said. "Only bromo." Jules whispered. John did not hear it, and that was chill.
THE END WOW
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